La Douleur Exquise!

Chapter ten: 

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or love."

6.480.000 seconds passed since that day I first saw your face and I can say with certainty that I still am addicted...You turned my world upside down, I don't quite understand how you managed to do that but you did it!
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After the day we met I didn't think we will see each other again, because even though your friend had my phone number and you had my Facebook id you didn't call or send a message, so I thought that was it! But 432.000 seconds passed and I was getting more and more intrigued by your constant presence in my mind so I did what you probably expected me to do: I took the bait! I texted you and, well, you texted back...Between the courses and work we talked a lot and I remember being truthfully and genuinely happy, the first time in a while...but then I got to thinkin' and I realized I was kind of scared of those emotions because they were too powerful. When A. called me and asked me if I wanted to go out with you three that coming weekend I was excited and I accepted, but after a while that fear invaded me and I freaked out. I realized one awful and scary thing: what if he wasn't feeling the same way...that electrifying feeling I have when I think of him? That scary question haunted me and made me do something I never did in my whole life...in that weekend I turned my phone off! Sunday night I turned my phone back on, I had a few missed calls and some messages. I felt awful: Jesus Christ how could a single boy, that I'd seen once, made me do such a cowardly thing! I couldn't believe how he made me feel...That day I told him a half lie as an excuse for my absence and closed phone...I felt terrible...I hate lying! I realized that I was afraid of getting hurt again, I realized that was the reason I acted so shamefully. I was trying to protect myself from me and from him, from the unknown.
~~~~~~~~~Falling in love supposed to be electrifying and amazing and breath taking!~~~~~~~~~
Since my last serious relationship, aka Mr. Cocky, I had forbidden myself to fall in love or get attached but Mr. Mirage, aka JohnDoe, destroyed my defensive walls and through the cracks he got inside, and my heart was touched again!
That week we texted and talked on the phone some more, and it was then that I decided I wasn't going to run from him anymore! I told myself: how ever things will go I will go along...and so I did! Thursday night he called me cause we were chatting and his internet connection got cut and I remember how I trembled in my chair when he asked me:
-"What if the boy has a girlfriend?"
I felt how my world started to collapse over me and I was praying to God he wont hear the tremble in my voice! I started to ask myself: why me, why had the universe arranged itself this challenging way, it wasn't fair...but in spite of all I was feeling I managed to pull myself together and I answered him:
-"If that boy isn't married, he isn't taken!"
That night I couldn't sleep and yes, I did cry, I felt alone and powerless!
Saturday afternoon he called me and asked me out and I accepted. I thought to myself: why shouldn't I go, I promised myself a clean shot at this, if he came into my life it is for a reason! And, yes, I wanted to find out that reason, because nothing is accidental in this universe! That night was horrifyingly amazing! Until that night I had forgotten how many emotions can invade my body and mind in the same time, it was amazing! And the horrifying part was when, from time to time, I was realizing the magnitude of those emotions and most importantly that he had a girlfriend! I was praying  for  time to stand still...I felt like I was in the desert, beautiful view of the ruins, the warmth of the sun, the shadow of the palm trees, an oasis, the camels...so beautiful, so divine...praying that when I blink nothing disappears! But time did pass, and the morning came, we got up, got dressed and went to have coffee. We sat face to face at the table...I looked into his eyes and something was missing. I felt his glance cutting me open like a ten blade scalpel! Something was awfully wrong, I felt it in my bones, and I asked him if he wants to tell me something...but he hesitated...I knew that when we'll finish those cups of coffee and I'll get up and say goodbye it will be over. And I was right, I kissed him on the cheek and I got into the taxi he ordered for me and that was the last time I glanced into his beautiful green eyes!
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54.000 seconds/900 minutes/15 hours passed us by, now it was Sunday, I arrived home around lunch time....I was alone again!

"Did I really love Mr. Mirage, or was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable."

End of part ten


xoxo

In your eyes...Impossible

...You were strong and I was not / My illusion, my mistake / I was careless, I forgot / I did... / And now when all is done / There is nothing to say / You have gone and so effortlessly / You have won / You can go ahead tell them... / Tell them all i know now / Shout it from the roof top / Write it on the sky love / All we had is gone now... / Tell them I was happy / And my heart is broken / All my scars are open / Tell them what I hoped would be / Impossible, Impossible ... / Falling out of love is hard  / Falling for betrayal is worst / Broken trust and broken heart / I know, I know...

Straight to the heart

Chapter nine: 

    "The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse."

I took a leap of faith, I know, but the universe took me by surprise...

Not so long ago I was sitting in my room, alone, in my chair in front of the window and I was staring in void and thinking about my life, about where, how and when I screwed up...My eyesight became blurry, I realized I was alone and disappointed...but I promised myself something so, I couldn't run, I couldn't hide, I had to face the facts and the consequences of my past actions! I knew what I needed, I knew what I had to do...Suddenly I felt my cheeks wet...tears were bursting from my eyes. I went to the bathroom to wash my face...I felt the cold water flooding my pores...when I lifted my face from my palms and looked straight ahead I saw my reflection in the mirror...I looked awful, I didn't know the person that stared back at me...at least, I didn't want to get to know her. My world was falling apart and I was in the middle...After an awful week came a pretty hard and miserable weekend......I can still remember that Sunday afternoon, I was with Easy D at my place, we were getting ready to go out and visit a friend. On the way to our friend's work we got into a fight and she decided to return back home...I was alone and pretty pissed waiting for the 301 bus...eventually the bus arrived, I got on it and to my surprise I found a wallet on a seat...one wallet that turned my world upside down! I studied the content of the wallet and when I arrived to my friends work I asked him to help me get in touch with the owner of the wallet so I can return it. The owner was a foreign student that stayed in the dorms, so I found out the phone number of the dorm administrator and Monday morning I called him. He told me I just missed the guy so I left my info and hang up the phone. I remember seeing some credit cards in the wallet so I called my bank representative and asked him to put an alert on his accounts. After half an hour my phone rang...it was him. I answered the phone, not knowing that one good deed can bring so many things with it...good and bad! We met in the town, A. came along with his friend W. I was glad I was able to make A. smile! He insisted to buy me a coffee...so we went into a bar. I got to know A. and W. over that coffee but I had no idea what will happen after a few minutes! Everything was nice, we were enjoying ourselves talking about all kinds of things...I was telling them how I found the wallet...sometime after I finished my story W.'s phone rang and he told us his cousin was coming.

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I can still remember one moment like it happened yesterday...I took a sip of coffee and after I laid the cup down on the table, I looked up...I saw JohnDoes eyes...it was electrifying. I couldn't breathe..and to my surprise he stopped at our table! He was the boy that had to arrive...W.'s cousin! In that moment my heart stood still, my system was shutting down, I felt numb, I couldn't move or think...And then we touched and it was like an epi shot straight to the heart, it revived me! That was how JohnDoe made me feel in just a couple of minutes...that was it, that day I've become an addict.......

"Love is a form of addiction...and addiction is something I should know something about."

End of part nine

xoxo

Nebunie...

"Si te iubesc cu mila si cu groaza
Tot ce-i al tau mi se cuvine mie

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mi-e dor de tine si iti caut chipul
In fiecare margine a firii"

Easy come...easy go

Chapter eight:

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."

After my incredible time with Mr. Yummy I spend some time alone. I slowed down for a while, started thinking about love and monogamous relationships. I remember thinking about it...how every night I was laying my head on the pillow, staring in void, dreaming about a man that loves me for who and what I am, about a true and sincere relationship. Well that started to be depressing so in no time I found myself back by the side of Mr. Horny...He was a drug for me, the morphine I needed in those times. I was addicted, it was clear as daylight! When I was staring in his eyes I felt safe, loved and appreciated. Like I told you in chapter four, I knew I was in love with him, but I also knew that he couldn't be mine. Those were my final months by his side. I knew things would change, but I didn't expect that result!

In the meantime it looked like I was starting a friendship with an old acquaintance. We first met five years ago at his workplace but since then we didn't get the opportunity to get to know each other properly. 

We talked on the phone several times, and then we exchanged IDs and started to talk on the messenger. I was having fun, real, good, extremely needed fun! I was enjoying myself, and I decided to ask him over for drinks. That night I felt a bunch of butterflies in my stomach, a feeling that I almost forgot about. It was fresh, wild and dazzling. My appetite was growing, I couldn't get enough, so I asked for more... Nights passed by and I was lost in his arms. Mr. Wild was what I needed, when I needed, almost how I needed! He raised some darn good questions for a few nights in a row, but that nearly drove me crazy...

My appetite was higher then ever and I wanted more but the problem was I could have Mr. Wild only at night...So, for one day I decided to invite Mr. Horny over, so we can raise some questions together...

In that period my brain was functioning after a really good quote: 

~~~~~~~~~~"Women are for friendships, men are for fucking."~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually those days were behind me but that damn answer still haunted me! I was deserving it, I knew from the start I was deceiving myself, but it was my choice...I made my bed so I had to lay in it! I was praying I can make it with shreds and pieces...but I couldn't...I decided to put an end to my relationship with Mr. Horny and as for my relationship with Mr. Wild it deteriorated on its own. 

And after everything...I took a leap of faith...

"There are four questions of value in life...What is sacred?...Of what is the spirit made?... What is worth living for....What is worth dying for?......The answer to each is the same...Only love."

 End of part eight

xoxo

TyDi - World's Apart (feat. Audrey Gallagher)

...Oh how did it come to this, am I still breathing / Blind faith and a silent kiss and I'm still reeling / Hope echoing through my heart and I know this feeling / We'll take it back to the start and be done dealing... / Please don't break my heart / You gold all it's pieces, never let it fall apart / Oh, you said it all, we lose sense of reason every time we seem to fall... / One look and the world stands still but the sky's falling / One word and we both begin to accept ending / Hope crashing into your arms but still, I'm dreaming / One room but still worlds apart and there's no healing... / Please don't break my heart / You hold all it's pieces, never let it fall apart...

The agony and the s_experience

Chapter seven: 

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all we can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do we keep from drowning in it?"

That was a stressful question for me, after my chapter six -aka Mr. Cocky-, but I couldn't really find the answer...or I didn't wanna, I was in denial, afraid of reality, 'cause reality sucked at that moment. Like I said, after breaking up with Mr. Cocky I found myself in the arms of Mr. Horny and, well, he helped me forget all about my broken heart. When I was with him I never felt alone, or sad, or misunderstood, he made me laugh, smile, he made me feel warm inside...but after some months things got out of balance and, like many times before, we had a fight and it got kinda cold between us throughout the summer. I kept myself busy with work, I wanted to disconnect from life and love problems; but I realized that eventually they will pile up and break me into pieces, so I started to solve them, bit by bit, peace by peace and I was beginning to make peace with myself. 
It took me some time to solve all my issues but at the end I was at peace with everything I'd been through. I started to smile again...it was nice, life was pretty good, that was until Mr. Cocky reappeared into the scene...We got to become friends with benefits...and a couple of months passed and he told me he was leaving the city...He wanted to see me before he went away, and that night when I saw his face I just couldn't deny the feeling I had at the thought of him leaving...I knew right then and there that it will be the last time I will see him...still, in spite of that we had a great night together, we had our goodbye! After I left his apartment I felt I left something behind, I felt like a chapter of my life came to an end...and I was right, Mr. Cocky was, from that point on, part of my past.

 After that month I met someone at work...a very hot, yummy, interesting, funny, charming man...He flirted with me, and left me his info. We got to talk that day and he invited me out to coffee...It was a nice first date. He looked awesome, had a great smile, big beautiful brown eyes...he was to good to be true. I mean, good looking, smart, perfect job...I remember asking myself: "why is he free, what girl in her right mind would let go of him...?" The next date was between us and his bed...I had been satisfied in every way you can be satisfied! It was brilliant and mind blowing...and after that night came others...and I couldn't get enough...I was single...and I was loving it...I loved him on top of me. I called him Mr. Yummy! He is that kind of man that has to be tasted and enjoyed, like a good old perfect wine, but after that you have to let him go free, it's like an unwritten rule of sorority, so other women can have a piece of his yumminess!! 

                                                  "Every once in a while, a girl has to indulge herself!"

End of part seven


xoxo

Cafeaua de dimineata

Neata...m-am ridicat din pat si m-am uitat pe geam...brrrr, frig si urat! Macar nu ploua, asta e bine. Trebuie sa ma echipez, azi i-au cafeaua in oras cu un foarte bun prieten, Ursu i se spune...
Trebuie sa imi fac curaj, am scos nasul pe fereastra si mi-a inghetat deja...uff, toamna asta s-a suparat rau pe soare, nu prea mai au tangente. Termin tigarea si trebuie sa ma echipez, mi-a promis Ursu ca ma bate daca intarzii :)))

Sa aveti o zi frumoasa

xoxo

Yanni - Prelude & Nostalgia

3rd serious relationship

 Chapter six:

 "Can we make a mistake and miss our fate?"

This question was on my mind for a long time during my going wild period. Six months passed me by and I was living by the moment, grabbing everything life was putting in front of me. I found myself in a moment when I no longer believed I could have another serious relationship after the Steamy and Big chapters, but life proved me wrong one more time. 

It was early February and I was enjoying a nice game of rummy in front of my computer, in the comfort and  warmth of my room, when I received a private message from a cute guy that was interested in knowing me. In that moment something passed through my mind, I don't know why but I was thinking of my two serious relationships, with Steamy and Big, and I realized that we first met on the internet. I laughed a bit, it was quite ironic, 'cause I didn't even know the guy and that thought went through my mind. I got to talk with him on the private chat and he kept my interest. After we exchanged ID's and numbers, some nights and days passed us by as we were talking a lot. I admit the dude was intriguing! One night he called and said that he had a break in his work schedule and if I want to meet up. I remember calling Easy D and asking her what the hell should I do, and she said: "Go, just go, you need it, enjoy, but stay safe, and if you get the feeling you don't want to get in the car, or stay with him, just call me!". I called him back and said "OK, let's meet." He was in front of my place in no time and we stayed in his car for two hours and just talked...He looked darn good, and he was a pretty clever guy...I enjoyed myself and he thanked me for staying with him on his break and asked me if he will have the honor of seeing me again soon...

The next day I talked with Easy D, she was asking a lot of questions about him...I told her he was a pretty good looking guy, clever but extremely cocky and arrogant at times...and that his cockiness intrigued me. 

After that first date came a few others and we got to know each other better and he got the courage to ask me to spend the night at his place. He stayed in the other corner of the city, and I can still remember the night he came to get me...We spend a great night together, we talked, we listened to music, drank red wine at the candle light...it was truly incredible...he wrapped his arms around me and we just sat there, all night talking and laughing, sharing views, interests and hopes...I didn't knew I could have such a wonderful time...When I close my eyes I can still build the image of his apartment...and of the kiss he gave me on my forehead. 

That's how our relationship began..and because he gave me that cocky and arrogant impression the first time we met, I named him Mr. Cocky...

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Mr. Cocky and I stayed together for one year and a half...we had something great...but at a point it just started to fall apart slowly. After things ended he said to me that for him things were dead after just six months, and I couldn't understand why didn't he break things off, or say something...'cause for me things ended when they literally ended...I hoped and wished we could recover after some fall downs but it seemed he just gave up or something...But now it doesn't matter anymore, I'm thankful for the time spend together, with all that happened between us and I learned so many things from my experience with him...

Now he is just a chapter of my life.

What I lived with him at the end of our relationship now looks like a bad joke from life but then it was heartbreaking, I never felt that alone and awful in my life! But that's how things work in this universe, you brake down and live some unbelievably bad things and after that you recover, learn and just go on...

After some time passed since our break-up I found my way back into the arms of Mr. Horny...like we always found our way back to each other...

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate."

End of part six 

xoxo

...I have nothing...

...Stay in my arms if you dare...or must I imagine you there...

My disasters

Chapter five:   

Along my sex life I had a couple of disasters....Well, this post will be about them. 

Disaster number one: Mr. rubber addicted

The first disaster happen in a difficult moment of my life...I had been dumped and I went over to some friends for drinks...We all had love issues and we got into story telling and had drink after drink...Eventually we finished the booze and we were pretty darn drunk...I decided to go home...and one of the guys said he'll come too. We were dressed and out the door in no time...on our way home he invited me over to his place...Remember something: if the guy is too drunk...it can come with problems! I can't understand what was in my head (booze, I know...besides that I mean!!!) when I accepted. Some years back I had a relationship with this guy...but we didn't do anything then. That night when we arrived at his place we stared to kiss...and undress...I confess, I was drunk and horny and I wanted to have wild, nasty, filthy sex but I didn't expect the disappointment that followed!!! I said to myself..."OK, breathe you can deal with that...you can make it work! You gotta make it work!!!" He took a condom and he tried to put it on...that was a frustrating moment for me! He couldn't even stay up straight! I was horny and pissed! I tried to tell him it's OK 'cause I'm on the pill and he looked at me and said: "I can't get it up if I don't use a condom...and I can't get the condom on...'cause I'm too drunk and I can't get a proper erection". I went nuts and I grabbed the condom and put it on his thingy...At last...the lights were out..the clothes were off...the condom was on...but well, no proper erection...I was going insane! I wanted to get some hot, nasty sex and his toy wasn't working properly. God punished me that night...I tell you, he did! I named this little bastard Mr. rubber addicted...He was my first ever sex disaster...

Disaster number two: Mr. underage liar

My next one happened over a stupid curiosity-bet! I was out with a couple of friends and one of the boys catched my eye...He was good looking but extremely perky and well, underage (just seventeen)...He kept telling all the boys and girls that his manly toy was big, like nineteen cm big...and that he knows how to satisfy a girl and he has the proper equipment. At some point I got so imbued with his gibberish and I couldn't help but ask him how stupid was he when he tried to measure his toy...I told him that real men with real equipment don't brag about it...they just show you what they can do! After that he started being interested in me and actually tried to make me fall for his so called charms (I think I touched a nerve when I stood up  to him and said my piece of mind)...well, here comes the part where I don't know what the fuck was in my head when I let him think I was in fact interested in him too...that was that! Me and my  brilliant ideas...I was asking for a bad fuck? Man ... that was plain stupid...After a week or so we got to his place and I told him to strip and satisfy me...He went and turned off the lights, put some music and started to kiss me...I said to myself "OK a good kisser...lets see, what more". Our clothes went flying and we started to have sex...and  it was awful, bad-bad...I was hoping that he wont ask about his performance...but...he did...and I was sorry to tell him it was disappointing..He started to cry and begged me not to tell anyone, 'cause he could lose girls over it...That part was extremely funny but I accepted...After all it was my own fault I was in that awkward situation...so I reassured the "lovely event" will be kept between the walls of his room! And that was that!

 Disaster number three: Mr. too small

Well if God gave me Mr. Big...I think he insisted over me having to encounter Mr. too small also...

I was at a time in my life when I had some health problems and love problems at the same time...I felt like crap and in front of me was this cute guy who was asking about how I am and if he can do anything to help...wow, nice one! I wont ever fall for that one again... I knew he was in a relationship with an "insane girl"...some common friends told me about it. I asked him why was he so kind and affectionate with me when he had someone home...He had the stupidest answer in the book:

"I don't know how to get rid of her...we are together for some time and she has some family issues now and I can't brake-up with her"...I knew then and there that he was a bad liar...and a pussy...but I had my own problems. Pushed by the circumstances we had to spend time together...(we worked together) and he kinda got under my skin in those troubled moments. I eventually went out with him...After that we went to his place... he brought a bottle of wine. We ate and drank some wine and after we went in his room and started to kiss ... We got naked and I couldn't believe my eyes! What was that, what was that?!? I said to myself: "that couldn't be it, maybe his toy isn't fully erected"...But well, it was...that was it...a sausage is bigger...Disappointing...His reason: "I can't get it up properly without porn". 

The sex, if you can call it that, lasted for five minutes...and after that I said I have to get home...I took a shower, got dressed and went home...that was that!

Well guys...those were my disasters...learned a thing or two...and after everything I hope to God I wont have the delightful pleasure to encounter or get myself into more situations that could produce some more of these pleasant experiences...

The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you.

End of part five

xoxo

Going wild...

 Chapter four:

"When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?"

 My relationship with Mr. Big ended one day in early august...the last month of summer...I was in real pain and in denial for quite some time...and pain makes people do stupid things. We both made some mistakes along our time together, but I'm grateful for every moment I spend with him bad or good, easy or hard, I'm grateful. I learned a lot from my experience with Mr. Big...even if you'll think I'm crazy, I have to say I learned to love someone even if I hate him...the married couples will understand that one! 

I kept trying to find my way back up, I kept fighting but soon I ran out of tears and reasons "why" and I went rogue...I embarked a crazy ride that life prepared for me...

Towards the end of august I met an interesting guy in the most awkward way...I no longer wanted to meet any new guys, I just wanted to get on with my life...but he came into the picture in spite of my wishes. And he looked great, smelled awesome, he was darn good! I hated the universe that second I laid my eyes on him, for introducing me this nice, hot, smart guy...The awkwardness I was talking about earlier...well he just came and knocked at my door...literally, that's how I met him. That was like a psychological slap right in the face from life! He was looking for my dad...and I helped him find my father, 'cause he wasn't home...After he talked with my dad we spend some time talking...The funny part was that talking with him, I discovered that he was a friend of a friend... Such a small world...

I told him I had plans for the weekend, a few days to the sea with a couple of my friends...and I had a nice surprise when he told me that he had to go to the sea too, in that same weekend...I joked about that, and told him maybe we will find each other on the beach...

Saturday morning my friends and I went to the Black Sea...it never went through my mind that he will call me Saturday and ask where I'm staying just so he could pay me a visit...It was a pleasant surprise to hear his voice...I was aware that I was trying to hide from my pain in the idea of "him"... but still he was a darn good pain killer! He called me later that day to say he couldn't make it after all..and maybe will see each other another day...I was a little sad but that's life. Well he played a trick on me 'cause after a few hours he came to the beach and I was all smiles!!! We had a great time together, we went swimming, he held me tight...and he joked about not knowing how to swim!! It was a perfect day and a perfect getaway from life...After spending so much time on the beach, we went at the house where my friends and I were accommodated...to shower and get ready to go out for dinner. We all went out and searched for a place with good food and good service...Finally we found a restaurant, we stayed outside on the terrace and served dinner there...it was a nice hot night of summer...I can still remember after finishing dinner, we ordered a couple of drinks and my eyes went searching the surroundings, I spotted the doorman of the hotel across the street, he was chilling on the sofa staring at a big TV and after a few seconds he changed the channel to porn...I showed everybody and we laughed a lot!!! It was crazy, 'cause everyone that was walking on the street saw him looking at porn!!! 

After finishing our drinks we went for a walk along the beach, I was a little drunk but I felt grate, it was crazy...everyone was having a good time! I told him I wanted to stay up until morning so we can watch the sunrise together...We went at the house and everyone stayed up...drinks, music, games...it was brilliant...I will always remember the moment I grabbed a chair and I put it on the terrace..I turned the chair around and I sat down on it...I had my beer in my hand and he stood behind me and I felt his hands on my neck...he started to massage my neck, back, hands...It was the most incredible massage ever!! It lasted an hour and a half...and to my surprise I had two orgasms without sexual intercourse...amazing!!! That's why I named him Mr. Tender...He won his title...After that he took me in his arms and laid me on the bed and covered me with the blanket and sat next to me...

That morning I didn't get to see the sunrise...but I got something much better instead.

He made me feel beautiful again...and I thank him for that...in my storm he was the lighthouse that brought me home safely...It's true, one door closes but another one opens...

The weekend was over and I had to get back to my real shitty life...I wished I could stay there in that chair forever but...reality hit. I was back home and I realized that my pain didn't magically went away. I still thought about Mr. Big eleven hours out of twelve...but I had to go forward, that chapter of my life ended some time ago...

Next week Mr. Tender invited me to his place...and girls, we all know what an invite like that really means...and I said "yes"... I wanted to get away, to get to feel like I felt that night at the sea...And that day we made love and it was all I needed, to be loved...We showered together and I remember being embarrassed... he looked me in the eyes and kissed me. The next morning he made me breakfast...it was incredible...a guy I just met a week ago could make me feel that amazing.
In spite of everything we two didn't end up together but we remained friends till this day...

I can remember very well the next period of my life...

I started to spend time with a good friend...he knew about Mr. Big and my problems...and I started to look at him with different eyes. I told him that, and he told me he felt the same and in that moment something started between us...Even if he had a girl home I didn't mind...I wanted him and he wanted me...It was the beginning of a beautiful life by his side...as the other woman. I will never forget the first time we had sex. He was my guilty pleasure, I had the time of my life in his arms...we couldn't get enough of each other. Time passed us by and in spite of everything we found time for us, we were still crazy for each other...

We were two little horny bastards! He will forever remain in my memory as Mr. Horny! 

After some time, I started to have some strong feelings for him...I knew I was in love. I wanted more...more time together, more of him by my side...I wanted to scream to the world I was in love again but...I knew he couldn't be mine, another woman was there first...the irony... I couldn't change that, even if I wanted...I cried myself to sleep night after night...looking at the empty pillow next to me...and I wished he was there but he never was. I started to settle for less...I knew that every free moment he had he spend it with me...but still I wanted more...

I knew I couldn't live like that anymore and I couldn't ask him to throw his life away just to be with me, to be mine...and I started to let him go...bit by bit...It hurt a lot...and I'm sorry...but I will never regret a moment we spend together in those three and a half years...He was part of my life and I'm grateful for everything! 

"After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breath and reboot."

End of part four

xoxo

I believe In a thing called LovE

~~~~~Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel...My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel...Touching you, touching me, touching you, GOD you're touching me~~~~~

Mr. Big

Chapter three:

"As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going."

I was still seeing Mr. Steamy...and things didn't went so well between us, I told you guys I can't really remember when, how, and why we broke-up...But during the end of my relationship with Mr. Steamy I kinda met someone by accident. I met Mr. Big with whom I started to talk...and that's the story I'm telling you tonight...

I remember I was asking myself what does love mean...what exactly? At that moment in time I really couldn't find the answer. I felt like I was screaming and no one could hear my scream...I was lost, I felt empty, naked. I wished someone could hug me and never let go...but at the same time I kept asking myself why can't I find that security and affection anymore in the arms of my first man...Even if I was at the beginning of the end of my relationship with Mr. Steamy and even if I had my friends around me I still felt lost...I felt like an orchid in the desert...I know now I created some deep wounds in someone's heart but that wasn't exactly my intention...but as we all know, our actions speak for themselves...And at that time my actions created something I couldn't understand for quite some time...
I can still remember that night, I was alone in my room, on my computer and I was searching the private network hub for some stuff. I had a fight on the main chat with a stupid guy that couldn't stop swearing...I told him some words and after that, the hub admin, told him that he was banned from the hub for swearing...I was pleased with his action and I started a private conversation to thank him for banning that stupid guy. I didn't knew that then and there, I was going to have my first conversation with my next great love...and in spite of not knowing that, in the following days Mr. Steamy and I broke-up after a fight...The days passed and Mr. Big and I spend a lot of time talking ...One day he asked me out...he invited me to a movie, of course I said "yes"...it was April 13th and he came in a taxi and we went to the movies...It was a great night...I literally can't remember the name of the movie we watched...After the movie ended we walked home...It was a nice first date, he looked great, I was lost in his beautiful brown eyes, and he had a perfect smile! We were having one of those great first dates that you can only have when it's not an actual date! I was intrigued by him even if I thought he was a bit cocky...When we arrived in front of my place I turn to face him and thank him for a brilliant night out and I watched as he leaned over to kiss me on the lips...but I turned my cheek...I said goodnight and I went inside...Well...after that I spend the whole night thinking what the hell was in my head when I turned my cheek!!! I called myself a moron until I fell asleep...A few days passed and I tried to invite him out but his answer was always the same: 

- "Sorry, I'm busy working, maybe another time"... I was literally going insane!! I didn't knew what to think...Well, my answer came shortly after...He finally invited me out for drinks...Actually, we went out for drinks a few times...After almost two months, we went to another movie...we sat close to each other and he was holding my hand...I felt like I was flying...I had butterflies in my stomach...I was secretly wishing he would kiss me...but that didn't happen until the last minutes of the movie...When he leaned over me and our lips came together...I was shaking inside!!! He had his hand on my neck and I felt how my left hand grabbed the back of his head...That first kiss, it was like magic...The movie was over and the lights came on...and we stopped kissing and he looked at me, smiled and told me he had a problem...I asked him what was the problem and his face went down, and my eyes went along...his eyes were facing his manly toy...and I felt my face going red...I grabbed his hand, we got up, and I put myself in front of him and we walked out of the theater like that..It was really funny but I was feeling really good!!! That's how we hooked up...funny story, eh?! Yes, it is...

I promised myself not to have sex with him in the first week...I thought he would think I was an easy catch...I was kidding myself ...That plan didn't workout :))) He invited me over to stay the night and yes, we had sex, mind blowing, brilliant sex... I remember my face when I saw his manly toy ... it was big, pink and perfect!!! That night I had my first orgasm with Mr. Big...And let me tell you this one thing: when Big colored, he rarely stayed within the lines! 

That's the beginning of my love story with Mr. Big...We were together for one year and a half...It was great...the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the hard, the easy...all of it! At the beginning of the end we were fighting a lot...and I still can remember how frightened I was at the thought of losing him...but eventually that happened and we broke-up...I was devastated...I couldn't understand what happened to us along the way...where did we really loose our connection...I really loved him...and I know he loved me...I was in denial for a long time...But that's another chapter of my story...

End of part three

xoxo

Rihanna - We Found Love

...it's like screaming and no one can hear..you almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing, no one will ever understand how much it hurts..you feel hopeless, but nothing can save you...and when it's over and he's gone you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good...

Old Friends and Old Moments

Fac parte din generatia ce a crescut cu cheia de gat!

Imi amintesc cand eram mica cati copii ne strangeam in fata blocului sa batem mingea sau sa jucam portofelul...Pe atunci jocurile se desfasurau in aer liber...pedeapsa suprema era statul in casa...

Am fost un copil nazdravan, poate mai nazdravan si razvratit decat altii, nu exista saptamana in care sa nu vizitez asistentele de la spitalul Budimex, eram cel mai cunoscut pacient - cap spart, mana rupta, degete rupte, picior rupt, genunchi belit, buza sparta, noada rupta...si lista continua! - ce mai, eram extraordinar de cuminte :D ...

Aveam si eu un loc micut in gasca de la bloc...eram destul de multi, in jur de 20 de copii si eu mot! Tin minte cum ne duceam la furat mere/pere/cirese/visine/corcodele...doamne cat ne mai alergau gardienii! A fost frumos atunci si nu ne imbolnaveam de toate bolile posibile ci doar luam paduchi :)) Daca se infesta unu, ne infestam toti si tot ieseam afara, ne dadeau mamele cu gaz in cap si ne puneau caciuli dar tot ieseam, era crima si pedeapsa sa nu iesi afara pe atunci. Nu exista calculator, internet, telefon mobil...noi aveam portofele, gume cu surprize, suc de la renumitul Tec, Tetris, tevi pentru cornete...

Imi amintesc cum ieseam cu presul afara si ne strangeam toti sa jucam carti pe porunci, era o nebunie! Ne jucam frunza, fata ascunselea, tara tara vrem ostasi, hotii si bardistii, gropita, lapte gros, 1,2,3 la perete stai...Iarna ne faceam in spatele blocului cazemate din zapada si ne uita Dumnezeu pe afara, ne strigau parintii de la geam sa intram in casa! Acum ne dam telefoane ca sa iesim afara atunci veneam si ne strigam la geam. Cand eram pedepsita iesea mama la geam si ii gonea pe prietenii mei si ce se mai rugat ei "hai tanti G. lasati-o afara va rugaaam!" era genial!!! In zilele in care prietenii mei nu reuseau sa ma scape de pedeapsa debea asteptam sa plece mama si tata la serviciu sa ii chem in casa! Ne faceam provizii de pungi umplute cu apa, oua, cartofi si ceapa si dadeam dupa vecini si pieptoni :))) era criminal! Am fost niste copii nebuni dar am avut o copilarie frumoasa asa cum a fost ea!

Eram cea mai mica din gasca de la bloc si mereu ma tachinau si radeau de mine, imi primeam si seria obligatorie de castane si suturi in fund....asa sunt copii, cateodata rai dar ce sa-i faci trebuia sa sufar doar eram cea mai mica :)))

Nu am sa-l uit in viata mea pe S. cand mi-a spart capul cu usa de fier din parc! Ce sperietura a tras cu mine cand m-a vazut lata pe asfalt si plina de sange, m-a ridicat mi-a luat esarfa rosie de la gat si mi-a infasurat-o in jurul capului, m-a dus in brate pana acasa....a urcat cu mine a sunat la usa m-a lasat rezemata de usa si a fugit pe scari :)))) Acum rad...dar atunci a durut ceva si am avut cateva copci...Am sa-l tin minte si pe vecinul meu C. ne-am dus intr-o vara sa furam cirese in parcul Tineretului...Era cald, frumos afara, nici urma de gardian si noi ne umpleam burtile cu cirese dar ce credeti?! Veneau gardienii spre noi si mie nu mi-a zis si am ramas in copac in timp ce el a fugit si s-a ascuns...ce sperietura am tras atunci! Ce am mai plans, ma ameninta gardianul ca ma duce la politie, ca fac puscarie pentru furt...si eu plangeam si ii spuneam "hai nenea lasa-ma sa plec, promit ca nu mai fac" :))) O amintire memorabila o am si cu vecinul meu E. care mi-a tras teapa....aveam un acvariu cand eram mica si avea si el unul si normal ca al lui era mai smecher si mi-a propus sa imi vanda niste pesti pe bani putini, "un chilipir" imi zicea el...si evident ca am cumparat niste pesti de la el...si dupa ceva timp m-a dus la magazinul de unde a cumparat pestii  pe care mi vanduse mie ... ghiciti ce! erau de doua ori mai ieftini in magazin!! :)) Afacerist de mic, nu am ce spune!

Am fost niste copii tampiti toti dar ne-am distrat de minune impreuna!

Timpul a trecut repede si tin minte cand s-a intamplat prima "tragedie" in momentul cand s-a mutat vecina mea E. in afara Bucurestiului ce am mai plans dupa ea. Am mai vazut-o acum 7 ani, de atunci nu mai stiu nimic de ea...Dupa ce a plecat ea, a inceput gasca veche sa se destrame, pentru ca in perioada aceea s-au mutat multi din bloc...

Pe atunci am realizat ca micutii din cartier crescusera...adica fratii/surorile celor din gasca veche (eu sunt cea mai mica dintre fratii mei :D )...si am inceput sa ies cu ei...A fost o perioada frumoasa si aceasta...Imi amintesc de masina cu prelata din fata blocului vecin, ne ascundeam toti in ea si ne faceam de cap si cateodata ne prindea proprietarul si ne alerga!! Good old days :))) Erau frumoase si serile de iarna in care ne adunam la etajul zece in blocul vecin si ne jucam tot felul de jocuri...iar o data la 5 minute se stingea lumina si incepea nebunia :))) Nu am sa o uit pe O. cu care intr-o iarna am iesit cu sania sa ne dam pe derdelus si dupa cateva ore bune petrecute la dealul de la scoala ne-am intors acasa si mi-a spus ca vrea sa se schimbe...toate bune si frumoase, am urcat cu ea si mi-am parcat sania in fata usii si m-am asezat pe ea, i-am zis ca o astept pe palier...si am asteptat-o nici mai mult nici mai putin de 5 ore :))))))) si dupa 5 ore am decis sa bat la usa...sa fiu sigura ca nu a patit ceva :))) dupa 5 ore!!!! Mi-a raspuns si cu o fata extraordinar de surprinsa m-a intrebat "Tu mai esti aici!" :))) raspund eu "Da, ti-am zis ca te astept..."...la care O. imi spune "Pai m-am schimbat si am mancat...si apoi m-am asezat la televizor am crezut ca ai plecat" :)))) memorabila faza !!! Bun bun bun de tot!

Nu pot sa uit nici zilele de vara in care ma rugau toti sa mergem la film la multiplex Vitan, pentru ca daca nu mergeam eu pe ei nu ii lasa parintii :))) si ma duceam cu 13 copii de mana la film...era fantastic, eram doar cu cativa ani mai mare decat ei insa parintii lor aveau incredere in mine :)) tare!

O persoana pe care nu o pot uita si care a avut un loc special in sufletul meu este S. cu care am impartit si bune si rele pe vremea aceea...Mergea cu mine sa ducem "copii" la film...mergeam la biliard impreuna, am tinut mult la el, insa lucrurile nu au decurs atat de bine intre noi doi. Cu toate acestea nu regret ca a facut parte din viata mea! A fost o dragoste adolescentina nebuna intre noi...el cu ganduri mai serioase eu mereu cu capul in nori.

Sunt recunoascatoare pentru toate lucrurile traite atat in copilarie cat si in adolescenta, asa cum au fost ele - bune, mai putin bune, frumoase, grele, usoare - si sunt constienta ca aceste doua perioade au fost cruciale in formarea mea psihica si spirituala. Copilaria si adolescenta ne definesc, acest lucru este cert!

Si acum pentru incheiere...am ales cateva citate celebre despre viata:

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"

"Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live"

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending"

xoxo

Mr. Steamy

Chapter two:

From my freshman year in high school until my senior year I was into everything - rock group, theater, parties, pranks, guitar lessons, drawing, - less into boys sector .... I had a few lads that liked me but...neah! Life was pretty great and my activities were more interesting then having a boyfriend ... Well everything had to change...Yep it did change when in my senior year I met a dude by accident on the private network hub... At first I had no interest in getting to know him...but after some crazy conversations he caught my attention and I said "yes" to a walk in the park....Well people let me tell you this: he was a hottie rocker! I was falling for his charms and I felt my feet being swept from the ground...

I fell in L>O>V>E ...

He was so cute and his hair was brilliant! But his strong point was playing the guitar!!! He had me there! I was unbelievably lost into his eyes when he played his guitar...I couldn't believe how lost I felt, I imagined how he took me in his arms and play me like he played his guitar...But still the poor boy...I was a pain in his arse ... I was a crazy bitch, pain in his arse, mischievous gal ... and maybe I forgot to tell him these things...how he made me feel ...or maybe I was afraid of being hurt ... of being discovered ...

He was the sane part of me, he loved me and he took care of me and any girl would had been lucky to have him ...

I can still remember our first night together...We were spending New Year's Eve together with a couple of his friends. The image of the house we were in it is still fresh in my memory...A big  house located close to the old center of the town...with a view over the river that crosses the city. That house was actually an office where a friend of his worked and it was empty that night, and we had a party there.
I had something to drink and I danced a lot...we were having so much fun...we laughed a lot! I didn't knew that, that night will be my first...I was a little drunk and he took me by the hand and we went into a storage room...It was dark but the city lights lit the room a little. There were some desk drawers and a bunch of other things but the most important thing in the room was a bed placed in front of the window...It was a bit cold but considering that I was kinda drunk I didn't care...We kissed and he laid me on the bed, after that we started to take our clothes off, only my boots were on and we made love. It was the most amazing thing I ever felt...Even if I was a little drunk I can still remember the song I heard in the background...I was lost in his arms and lost in time...

I will always remember him as Mr. Steamy 'cause he was steaming hot!!!

After we broke up (and I can't remember how, when and why we broke up) we remained friends till this day and I am extremely proud of him and he has a special place in my heart!

After our relationship he kinda went rogue! :))) Mr. Steamy hopped on a roller coaster of relationships...what can I say, girls love him and he's loving them :)) And don't get me wrong guys I am not being judgmental...It's just funny for me...It's like an inside joke ... he was the one against the open relationship style!

But life is life and you never know 4sure where it gets you!

End of part two

xoxo

Friends sector

Like an icon said: 

                "They say nothing lasts forever; dreams change, trends come and go, 

                                                                        but friendships never goes out of style."

I have 2 girlfriends that make my life wonderful...They are my "persons": Mrs. Fierce and Mrs. Easy D, we known each other for a long time, been through a lot together: 

• the bad, 
• the good, 
• the ugly, 
• the beautiful, 
• the hard, 
• the easy, 
• the depressive, 
• the happy.

 Fierce is the confident and powerful kick ass girl and Easy D is the superficial cheerful\tough\pain in my arse\break your neck\happy face girl ...

Tonight I got together with Easy D to catch up on things. She told me how her day at work was and what happened when she had an encounter in the hallway with a colleague with whom she slept a few nights ago!!! Well the story starts a few weeks ago when he started to make some compliments...and gave an invite to his apartment...Yeah the dude knew what he wanted! Of course he was interesting and of course that at first my girl said "no" ... but as I told you earlier they eventually had sex. And my poor girl expected to be brilliant...you know the rule that says a good kisser is good in bed, well you can flush that down the pipe, 'cause it's shit!!! It was OK, just "OK" it's part of those experiences that you don't what to have again. And of course now the vibe between them is awkward and he feels weird and she doesn't know what to tell him 'cause she doesn't wanna see him suffer or feel hurt...Yeah big crappy drama !!! These kind of things happen every time to all of us...and as we try to make things better there are those times when it gets worse...

That's karma, I suppose ... 

Still can't wait to see what will happen next.

xoxo

Chapters of my Life

Well here we go, rolling the dice here! 

This is going to be my top story on my blog : 

• my scandalous, 
• dirty, 
• dumb, 
• easy, 
• hard, 
• pretty, 
• nasty, 
• stupid, 
• glamorous, 
• pink, 
• gray, 
• painful and pleasing LIFE 

Chapter one:

You know when you are little everything is easy as a feather, from getting away with a lie to manipulating your parents into letting you go to camp. Your only responsibility is not getting a bad grade in school 'cause then you're in trouble and you'll get headaches from your parents...well all that changes when you get bigger and you start realizing that another sex exists: MALE; L'HOMME; HOMBRE (and girls, I know dad is a man to, but that doesn't count)!!! Oh yes, girls...it's a shocking discovery, when you find yourself secretly blushing for a boy! And not just "a" boy  ...  "the" boy every girl in school seems to like!!! From that point on your life will become complicated by the twisted and magical part we all call "being swept off our feet in love"...then after we grow some it will be called "mind blowing brilliant sex" and as we enter the next period of our lives, it will grow into becoming "the soul-mate searching"...

In my childhood I was a real tomboy, playing with the boys, getting into fights, playing football, wrestling, scratching my nose :))) things like that...NOT in anyway interested in boys in a romantic way...

I fell in love for the first time in my teen years. I was obsessing over a mysterious, gorgeous man who worked for a firm that had the office in my building . He was older then me, like 13 years older... I got to spend some awesome time with him, he was tutoring me...And he was a great teacher. I've went over hills for him...I knew he was a lot older then me but my heart didn't agree...It was young love and I was flying!!! One afternoon I went in his office for my tutoring class and at the end of the session he looked at me with his gorgeous green eyes and he wrapped his hand around my back and pecked me then hugged me !!!!!! O>M>G my heart was going like the road runner!!!!!!! It was my first big, important, desired, mouth watering kiss! After that kiss he realized that I was just a kid and he apologized for the behavior...In my head everything was just peaches. After that day he stayed to work for the office another month and a half then he moved and I never heard of him since last month...He contacted me, asking me how I was and if I can remember him...It was a lovely surprise, we talked about the past and the present...I can't lie, it was a little awkward! He wanted to meet but until this day we didn't really find the time...I wonder how he looks like now...I know that he is married (I don't date married man, not that kind of girl) and he has his own firm and he travels a lot...Maybe we'll get together sometime, don't know...But I promise to tell if we'll meet...

End of part one... 

xoxo

Welcome

Hey there and welcome to my blog, your only source into my scandalous life. 

Who am I, well that's a secret I'll never tell, but still you'll get to know me.

xoxo